there are moments when i feel out of sorts. like just now. i’m at my condo where i’ve been now for almost a year. i can’t believe how time has flown by… it’s almost a year since i’ve been back in Seattle… but there are still times when i look around and feel that i’m at a strange place. that this place – as familiar as it is, feels strange to me – as if i don’t belong here.

i’m not sure what this says about my current state of mind. i just know that i have this odd feeling that this isn’t my home. that i don’t belong here.

i still miss her and everything i do seems to remind me of her. i’m currently doing my laundry at 2:12 am in the morning. doing it made me think of how we did our laundry. how she would hang her shirts to dry so that they would last longer. how we used to do our laundry in the apartment complex we shared and how we did them in the house we rented. these all seem trivial – or did at the time, i’m not sure why i keep thinking about the past. how i relate my daily mundane chores to the past.

i feel that i’m at a strange point in my life. i feel lost. i feel very very lost.

faith – noun
belief that is not based on proof.

obsession – noun
the domination of one’s thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire, etc…

is my desires of wanting her back faith or obsession…

i can’t believe that it’s already been 10 months since i’ve moved back to Seattle. i still miss her. i think of her every day. there isn’t a day that goes by when i don’t think of her. i think of what she’s currently doing. where she might be. i wonder if she’s thinking of me. i miss her.

my life seems so out of sorts. i’m trying to get my life together but it’s so hard to motivate myself. to bring myself out of this funk. i still don’t want to do anything. i don’t want to do anything. i just want to see her. to hold her in my arms again. to tell her how much i miss her. how much i love her.

i miss her. i love her. i want her.

it’s 4:35 am on a Thursday morning. i haven’t posted in awhile mainly because i’ve been feeling lost. i’m 34 years old and i don’t know what i’m doing anymore. nor do i know what i want from life. i no longer have a hunger for life. i’m existing day by day without really living. each day is just another day to pass the time. i no longer find interest in anything. not in work, not in movies, not in hobbies, not in friends. i’ve become a hermit. i don’t want to interact with anyone.

my days are spent watching the time pass. thinking of Vineesha. wondering what she is doing and how she is doing. i mark the passage of time in how long it’s been since i’ve last seen her. last i spoke with her. last since i’ve had any form of contact.

i wonder what i’m doing with my life. what i should be doing and i just don’t care. i lack desire. i lack anything to look forward to. i just don’t care. i’m melancholy. it doesn’t help that Vineesha is in India right now on her vacation celebrating her soon to come birthday. this was to be our honey moon. instead we are apart. we are no longer a we. it is i. it is she. we are no more.

i play out all the mistakes i’ve made. i play out all the things i should have done. but i do not know what i should do. i’m lost.

my sister and her whole family went to Mexico recently. i drove them to the airport and then i picked them up from the airport. the whole family consists of my sister, her husband and their kids Camille and Miles. on the drive back Miles fell asleep but Camille was very excited to be back and was very talkative. she usually is. it’s one of the things i love about her. she talks to everyone. on the drive back she was telling me about her trip.

she then mentioned that she meet some new friends. i asked her to tell me more. she told me that these new friends were getting married and that she wanted to go but she couldn’t. then she said she wished there was another person getting married so that she could go. there was dead silence in the whole car. i broke the silence by saying – yes, i wish there was another person getting married so she could go. my heart ached. i wish there was a wedding. i wish i was getting married. if my engagement to Vineesha didn’t end we would be getting married this month. instead she is off to India to celebrate her 31st birthday and i am here in Seattle.

it’s Thursday morning – it’s not too late. it’s 12:12 am. i didn’t do anything today. i haven’t really done anything all week. i’ve finished two of my three projects and i’ve been slacking off. all i’ve been doing is eating, sleeping, smoking and reading. i’ve been reading comic books. i’ve re-read The Walking Dead which is a great series… and i’ve been doing one other thing. i’ve been making Vineesha’s birthday present. i’m hoping it’ll be done this week so i can mail it off this week. her birthday isn’t for another 16 days, but by then she’ll be in India.

we had talked about going to India together but she kept putting it off because she didn’t want to deal with her family and having to introduce me to them. she kept saying that if we went together we wouldn’t have a vacation but rather meet and greets with all her family.

now i wonder if she really wanted me to meet her family at all. i wonder if she ever wanted to be married. i think that she liked the idea of marriage, but when it became a reality she found that she didn’t want it. being married would mean that she would have to give up too much. that in the end she decided that being single would allow her to do all the things she wanted to do without having to worry about another person. i have to believe this – because the alternative is that she just didn’t want to marry me… and i don’t think i could take that.

needless to say i did yet another stupid thing. i was drunk this Tuesday and IM-ed her. i really shouldn’t have. at least not in that state. i told her all that was running through my mind. my mistakes. my pains. my wanting her in my life. she of course was kind. but that was it. she was just kind – as you would be kind to a rambling old fool who just wants kindness. but this old fool of course wanted more. this old fool wants more.

i can’t believe how much time has already passed since i’ve moved back to Seattle. and yet in my heart time has stood still. i still love her. i still miss her. i still think of her constantly. i still wish we could be together. i know that that will not happen. but the heart wants what it wants. i heard / read somewhere that you want what you had or what other’s have. i believe this to be true. i want what i had. i want what other’s have. i want to love again. i want to be loved again. i want to have her in my arms again. i want to hold her again. i want to see her smile again. in just a few short months it will be a year since last i saw her. amazing how time flies and yet… in my heart… time has stopped. another day passes. another night passes. but in my heart all is still. unmoving.

so it was bound to happen. my friends have found this blog. i wasn’t expecting anyone i knew to find it – but they found it. read it and became very concerned. my first reaction when they asked me how i was doing was embarrassment. why – i don’t really know. i guess we are trained as ‘men’ to be strong and not show weakness. in this little venture i have tried to be as honest as possible. in doing so i’m being very exposed.

being exposed my first response to my friends commenting on my well being was embarrassment. so the thought came across my mind. do i continue or do i succumb to my embarrassment and stop. i guess i don’t have to state what i choose.

i’ve stopped caring about what other’s think of me a long time ago. i’ve tried not to let what others’ thoughts influence my actions. i’m going to try to move forward with my path. i need to do so. it’s the only way i can think of to exercise my random thoughts which fester in my mind.

Vineesha for the first time sent me an IM message. i was asleep at the time. i have been working like crazy and late nights working to meet deadlines. while i was asleep Vineesha IM-ed me telling me that she was sorry she blew me off a few times i tried to reach out to here via IM. she also thanked me for sending her spices. yes… i still think of her constantly and send her things by mail which i hope she will like. the last thing i sent her were spices which she loved while we were traveling in Cancun.

my latest madness is sending her a birthday gift (which i am still prepping for). does this make any sense. no. emotions are like that. madness is like that. i have found that my heart is an uncontrollable force. it will do what it will do. regardless of what will be. my only concern and my constant thought which my brain tries to argue with my heart is that what if she doesn’t want all this from me. am i bugging her. am i being a pain. but my heart. it is telling me that it needs Vineesha. it loves her.

when all is said and done. and all bullshit is set aside. one truth is clear. my heart. my mind. all of me. loves her. regardless of her feelings for me and it feels the need to express itself. regardless of the consequences. and perhaps years from now i will regret all of this. perhaps i will regret being a fool. perhaps i will regret putting Vineesha through all of this – and to be honest that is my main concern right now. that she wants to be left alone and here i’m being selfish.

i can not say. but i have to do this. regardless of what may come – because i really don’t know what will come nor do i care. in this one instance my mind and heart and all the rest of me are in sync. it must do this. it must cry. it must love. it must be an ass. it must do all it does. to not do so would be lying to myself. to be false.

Vineesha’s birthday is coming up. her birthday is April 17th, she will turn 31 on that date. three years ago from April 17th i was traveling with my family to Korea. i was away from Vineesha but we were still dating. i made a video wishing her a happy birthday and making a promise. i promised that her 28th birthday will be the last birthday she celebrates alone without me. her birthday is in just few weeks and i won’t be able to keep that promise.

she’s going to India. she took her vacation in April. that was because when she had to inform the hospital a year ago which days she wanted her vacation she choose April because we were to be married in March and we were supposed to go on our honeymoon in April. needless to say none of these things will happen. we will not be married. we will not go on a honeymoon. we are not even talking to each other. she will not talk to me. she does not want me in her life. she has moved on. she is happier without me in her life. while i am struggling. my life becomes more and more sad without her.

i’m so tired. i miss her.

ugh… so i’m having another HSV-2 outbreak. i’ve noticed that it only occurs when my body is exhausted. when i’m not getting enough rest. in the past few days / weeks i’ve been working non-stop to get everything done and in doing so i’ve been up for days on end. sleeping only a few hours here and there.

of course with the outbreak i’m reminded of how i got it. of who gave it to me. of how i thought i would be with this person for the rest of my life so i didn’t think anything of it when i found out she had HSV-2.

the one type of reminder i didn’t want and to know that i’ll have this of all things to remind me of her for the rest of my life.

it’s now 3:44 pm… and i haven’t slept yet. i’ve been up all night and then had client meetings at 8:30 am, 11:00 am and finally at 2:30 pm. i was afraid that if i tried to take a nap between meetings i would just not get up, but now that the meetings are done i can’t sleep. i’m exhausted but not tired. how does that even make sense.

i got a call from Reza this morning as well – between meetings one and two. we talked for all of 12 min. he just called to see how i was doing. i was super happy to hear from him. either that or i was just delirious from lack of sleep. we just talked of how things were going. he told me that his business is picking up. his wife is due at the end of June and that he was busy tying up loose ends before their move in August to Zurich. i told him that i was fine as well… but what i really wanted to talk to him about was Vineesha. i wanted to know how she was doing. but i bit my tongue. put on a smile and kept the conversation civil.

when will my heart start to heal…