so it’s been a few days since last i posted. i wish there was something new to report, but sadly all is the same… well that’s not completely true – if anything things are worse. it’s 3:00 am in the morning and i can’t sleep. i’m physically exhausted. my thoughts are of Vineesha. i tried contacting her via IM a few times but all i got was either no response or really short quick responses which ended the conversation within 15 seconds. so in turn you really can’t call it a conversation. it’s basically this.

me : hi.
Vineesha : what do you want.
me : (random things to try to strike up a conversation)
Vineesha : busy – have to go.
me : sorry. bye.
Vineesha : tc (take care).

obviously this isn’t the actual IM conversation we have / had but it’s the gist of them. it has also occurred to me that in all the time that has passed she has only contacted me once. that was to inform me that she got accepted into a Fellowship and to thank me for helping her through residency. that was it. before this there was nothing but silence. after this there has been nothing but silence. whenever i tried to contact her the response has been a bit cold and distant. so why the fuck am i doing this? why am i putting myself through all this? why am i still bothering her after all these days of internal struggle to leave her be. believing that she wants to be left alone. that she’s happy being left alone. after all the promises of putting her happiness before mine.

because i’m an idiot. an idiot in love.

so i was up late again this morning… i was up til about 8am and around 7am in my lack of sleep delirium i IM-ed Vineesha. she was online and i really wanted to talk to her. our conversation lasted all of 30 seconds… i started with ‘good morning’ she responded with ‘hey, what’s up?’ it went down hill from there. she was busy studying and didn’t want to be disturbed.

i tried to IM her later on in the day and this time i got no response at all… ugh… why the fuck am i doing this?

i’m hopelessly in love with someone who doesn’t want to be loved… at least not by me… at least not the way i want to love her… in the wee hours of the morning with lack of sleep i thought that we could become friends. i missed talking to her. i missed laughing with her. i missed hearing her laugh. now i wonder if i can even have that.

it’s 1:30 am on a Thursday morning… and of course my thoughts are of her. i miss her. every thing reminds me of her. the songs i listen to. the things i see. moments. sights. sounds. tastes. everything. they all remind me of her… and i miss her.

on Sunday i went to a Mexican grocery store to purchase some Pico De Gallo spices. these are the spices they sprinkle on fruits and vegetables which enhances the flavor. Vineesha loved it when were in Cancun and the street vendors would sell fruits and vegetables with the said spices sprinkled on them. we never did figure out what the spice was. when i was over at Jesse’s place he had snacks – one of which were a fruit and vegetable platter with said spice. of course it reminded me of our trip to Cancun and i asked Jesse what the spice was. after he told me i knew i wanted to get it and send it to Vineesha. so after purchasing the spice on Sunday i went to the post office and mailed it off to Vineesha on Monday with a card. the card said ‘to remind you of happy times.’ i know… i know… i probably shouldn’t have done it… but i just wanted to do something which would make her happy. i wanted to do something. this was the only thing i could think of which would show her that i’m still thinking of her. that i still cared for her. that i would do anything which would bring her some happiness. anything which would put a smile on her face.

i mailed it off for two day delivery. it should have arrived yesterday (Wednesday). i waited to see if she would respond to it… i guess after sending her roses and finding out it made her happy i had hoped that sending the spices would get a response. even if it was a short thank you. it did not. i know i shouldn’t do anything in the hopes of getting a response… but i just so want to talk to her. to hear her voice. to receive a message from her. anything. anything to know that i’m still in her thoughts. ugh… what am i doing. why am i doing this to her. why am i doing this to myself.

the point of this was to be honest. the truth is that i still love her. the truth is that i still want her. the truth is that i want to be a part of her life. even my new years resolution is in the hopes that perhaps one day we can be back together. the thought was that if i could setup a passive income business which would allow enough income that it would cover all of my expenses i thought that it would allow me to live anywhere. that it would allow me to move to wherever she was. that it would allow me to be closer to her and hope that she would allow me to be a part of her life. i want her back. i want to start over. i want another chance. i want to show her that i’ve been a fool and that i’ll never make the same mistake again. that i will support her in all her desires – even if they are not my desires. even this is not completely true because my desire is just to be a part of her life. to support her in everything she wants to do in life. my hopes and desires is to share in her life and in her dreams. to watch and support her. to be happy with her as she accomplishes great things in life.

i just don’t know how to achieve this. i don’t know how to get her to give me another chance. to allow me to show her that i’ve finally figured out what i want in life. that what i want in life is to be a part of hers. i miss her. my heart aches. i want to be with her. i want to love her. i want her to love me. i miss her… i miss her… i miss her…

just had a client meeting. after the meeting i drove back to the condo. while i was driving i was thinking of Cleveland. about the current weather there and how the weather there is different from that of Seattle. i was thinking of which is better – about how Cleveland has actual seasons but Seattle doesn’t and how Seattle doesn’t have those extreme seasons like Cleveland. then i took a turn and out of nowhere i felt like i was in a strange city. i had been on this street many a times. i’ve walked it, i’ve drove it. hell this street is only 6 blocks from the condo – but for some odd reason i felt like i was in a strange city.

that’s when it occurred to me. my stay in Cleveland has affected me more then i thought. it’s become my second city. i miss Cleveland. i miss everyone that’s still there. i wish i was back in Cleveland. i wish i was back with Vineesha.

so February has ended and here’s an update to my goals of becoming self sufficient only by passive income. sadly nothing has changed. as of now the current items that i have that is making passive income are as follows.

01. gin rummy iphone app game : getting 25% from all sales to be paid out every three months. there is still 4 years 9 months remaining for this. if we go by the first three months and if sales stay the same then that averages to $300 / month

02. vizpowered : web site hosting. we currently have 3 clients. after paying all the bills associated to it we are averaging about $40 / month. split that with my partner and we are looking at about $20 / month in passive income.

03. fun fun animals iphone app : sadly the sales on this app has been extremely stagnant. so far it’s sold only 12 copies in the last month. after apple takes 30% and then splitting that with the developer there really isn’t anything.

04. happy hour invite iphone app : still in the development phase. i’m going to be having a meeting tomorrow with the two developers to try to get the project back on track. hopefully there will be more progress.

on the design business side things are a lot better. currently i’m working on three projects. these are the summary of the projects i’m currently working on which pays the current bills until i can achieve my goals.

01. start up web app : it’s a 13 week project and it’s in the 11th week. the total amount for the project is $30,000 – i’ve already submitted $20,000 and and there’s a remaining $10,000 on the invoice. the client is very happy with the designs and hopefully i can finish the project on time.

02. non profit website : this is a 9 week project. it’s currently in the 2nd week of design. so far it’s going well but i can see that the clients will be very demanding. the total amount for the project is $8,000. as long as i work every day i should be able to meet all deadlines.

03. just signed another project which is a concept application design. this design will be presented to clients to show off the underlining technology behind the application. it’s not a consumer facing application so it should hopefully be fairly straight forward. the only concern i have with this project is the super short deadlines. it needs to be done in 3 weeks. that’s 2 weeks of design and 1 week of production. the amount for this project is $20,000. so in that sense it’s nice that that’s a nice sum for such a short period of time.

needless to say i won’t be taking on any additional projects til some of these are finished as i’ll be working my ass off to make sure i meet all deadlines. there is also an outstanding invoice of about $5,000 from another client. so all in all including the invoice already paid for 2010 i have a total of $63,000 in total invoices for 2010 so far.

so in some sense moving back to Seattle has introduced more projects which are paying very well. so in short – total of 4 projects so far for 2010 for a total invoice of $63,000. not bad… not bad… now just have to work on the passive income projects so that i can meet my deadline of end of 2010.

it’s 2 am in the morning again… and my unease has not disappeared. my body is exhausted but it can’t sleep… i miss her… i want her back… i want her to love me again… i want to share our lives together… i want to support her… to be happy for her… to be there with her to share in her hardships… in her joys… all the things i complained about in the past… now i see those were the moments of life to be treasured. i can’t seem to shake this unease… i want her back… i want her to give me another chance. i want to start over. to be able to show her that i will not make the same mistake. that i will love her and support all that she wants to do. that i will be more fluid. that i will be like water.

i wonder if she would ever consider giving us another chance. my only wish is that we could start over. that i be allowed to share in her life. to share in her love.

it hurts..

i think that dream has really fucked with me… i’m just uneasy… i don’t know why but i just can’t seem to get this sense of panic out of me.

it’s 11am in the morning. i woke up to a dream. in the dream – at least from what i can remember – i was in Cleveland. i was with Vineesha. in the dream i was with her and we mad love. it was amazing. we slept in her bed. i woke up and she was dressed heading to work. i was extremely happy, but i knew that she was late – then i was really sad. i guess she recognized i was sad. she tried to comfort me by saying that it’s okay. she stated that due to various reasons it’s okay that she was late for the first week. i knew she was lying. then she said that i had to go back. that it wasn’t a good idea i stayed. then she left to go to work. then i was dressed. then there was an Indian guy. it’s a dream – the transitions doesn’t make sense. but i was talking to this Indian guy. i noticed a plastic human body. and i was talking to him about it – he told me that Vineesha asked that he get it. he told me that he was a surgeon and that Vineesha asked that he get it so that when she needed to talk to patients about surgery she had a reference at home to go over. for some odd reason in the dream i knew they were dating. but i remember in the dream i was too afraid to ask him if he was dating her. then the dream changed and i was back in the bedroom in my underwear wondering what i should do. i was wondering if i should get dressed and head back to Seattle. that’s when i noticed someone else in the apartment. for some odd reason i knew it was her roommate. i got dressed and went outside to the living room where i found a white girl. we kind of surprised each other. i introduced myself. she introduced herself. i wanted to ask her if Vineesha was dating someone but i was too afraid to ask… that’s when i woke up.

i remember how i was so happy for a moment. how i believed we would be together. how i wanted to tell her so many things. how i couldn’t as she told me to go back. i miss her so much.

i miss her… it’s 2:00 am… i’m laying in bed… and of course my thoughts are of her. i miss her… i miss her so much.

they say time heals all wounds. i don’t know if i agree with that statement. i feel my wounds are just festering. it’s getting worse. like a pain that goes untreated becomes worse over time. my heart aches. i constantly think of her and i don’t know what will heal my wounds. my pains. as of now my only thoughts are that only she can heal me… but i know that isn’t an option. i just don’t know how to heal my aching heart… and time isn’t doing a thing for me. if anything it’s making it worse.

it’s 2:00 am in the morning. the second month is about to end in just three more days. time moves forward. with each passing breath you live and you die. i have heard this little story. in a temple the head monk asked all the lesser monks the meaning of life. they spoke of many enlightened things. the answer the head monk gave was this. with each breath in you live. with each breath out you die.

with each breath you live and you die. so what happens when you hold your breath.

the western culture sees progress as moving forward. in the economic sense they see progress in the form of consumption. a company is progressing if it increases sales. in order to increase sales they need to sell it’s product or services. these things needs to be consumed. if the company is stagnant – meaning that sales are the same then it’s considered to be doing poorly.

does this translate to the individual. for the western individual they see progress as a form of consumption. you move forward in education. you are expected to grow – to show progress. after you are finished with school you work. with work you consume. you get a car. you get a house. you get married. you have kids. you are seen as progressing as you consume more. what if the individual doesn’t progress. if they consume the same amount as they did last year. if they earn the same amount as they did last year. if they don’t get that raise. don’t get married. don’t have kids. what if the individual stays stagnant.

i’m rambling. i guess that’s what happens when you’ve gotten 8 hours of sleep in the last three days.

Gandhi has said, “live less or work more.” i really like this quote and restate it often. it sounds great – but would this apply in the western culture. i keep coming back to the western culture as i live in the US.

i’m rambling.

i’m in the pursuit of pause. i want to earn enough to pay for my monthly expenses. i’m not looking to achieve progress – meaning increase my consumption. i just want to achieve pause. in this pursuit i’ve noticed that i’m having a hard time with it. the problem is that the rest of the world needs to progress… meaning the cost of living increases. but more importantly… i want more. my desire is to love again… well that’s not completely honest. my desire is to love Vineesha. but it’s more then that. i want to love. to marry. to have kids… i want to provide the best that i can for them all… all this is progress. it’s the complete opposite of what i’m trying to achieve.

i breath in. i breath out. i hold my breath. am i living. am i dying. am i…